The Weirdest Beatles fan-fiction EVER that almost was: Memories from part of my past I can never take back, shared with you all.  | Fab Forum | The Beatles Bible

Okay….I wrestled with myself to bring this one up, as it’s admittedly my single greatest and worst achievement as a Beatles fan in my entire life thus far. This was gonna go in the Hardcore fan thread but I decided this is my creation and for better or worse I have to own it. So i’m posting about it here in stead. THIS WILL BE LONG. Forgive me John And George for what i’m about to share.

No record of it exists now but my own memory, as it was deleted before I ever published it (THANK GOD, ) However after much deliberation I have decided to share my remembrance of this twisted concoction with you all because even today at the age of 28, I am still baffled as to how, why and to what lengths i went to make this happen for as long as i did. Bear with me, this one’s a doozy. You’ll probably need a stiff drink for this one…you WILL cringe. There’s no way around it. You might not even believe a word of it after a point, but I swear to all of you on my honor, what you are about to read was in fact a thing.

It happened when I was younger, and VERT dumb. You see, My biggest passion aside from The Beatles and music in general has to be gaming, and one of my absolute favorite video game heroes of them all is Sonic The Hedgehog…Well, It was circa 2008/’09, and I was a teen going through that phase where you try to combine all the things you love into one shared universe of what the f*ckery………

Yes. This is going to go exactly where you think it’s going to go and even farther. you can still stop reading, it’s not too late! …Alright. I warned you.

So, the Sonic the hedgehog universe is pretty varied. There were lots of differing source materials and canons. So naturally, I drew upon the most faithful to what I felt was Sonic’s definitive canon in my heart….and then I added elements from this unholy mess!:

I took the character of “Manic”, the green sibling, who is a sort of “Hippy” character, and paired him with Amy Rose, who in the prime Sonic Universe is Sonic’s love interest. To my credit, I actually explained why quite well by fan fiction standards. What I would have them do in the story I was about to write, however, is another matter…

The plot began with the two expressing their frustrations at the ongoing war to liberate their planet. Princess Sally, who in one continuity is the leader of the resistance to reclaim said planet, notices this and tries to encourage their spirits by telling them of two brave people who, many years ago on a planet called earth, were fighting for peace themselves and being thwarted at every turn. – John and Yoko. – She shows them an old salvaged vinyl of Let It Be that was given to her by her father from a trip he took there, and I can remember the line I wrote was, “Woah, diggin’ the long hair, man!”

Now, you might be thinking so far “Well, this isn’t that bad. A little cheesy as most fan fiction is, but not bad” – Well, hold my beer. Because the next thing you know, Manic decides he’d really like to meet John if he could, and Sally–Thanks to a time travel McGuffen–is able to transport them RIGHT smack dab in the middle of the Montreal bed-in!

Though I will say this: The way I had it written holds about as true to Circa-1969 John as you could get within the sensibilities of the story being told. I had him written as a witty, yet Beatles-tired peacemaker and even had him thrown in the “I’m sorry you’re fond of the Mop-tops and Hard Days Night, but I’ve grown up!” Quote in there….aaaannnd then I proceeded to write out, line by line, the singing of “Give Peace A Chance ” – even going so far as to include EVERY line of encouragement John uttered, including “LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE HIPPY N’ THE NEW HIPPY!” in reference to himself and Manic – and may I add: when they asked John why the idea of a pear of talking hedgehogs didn’t freak them out, he responded with “Ha! Are you kiddin’? We LOVE strange and unexplained things! Besides, this is the 60’s, man! No one’ll believe it’s anything more than a drug trip! Who cares, really? It’s all far out to me!” Which i suppose is very…Yellow Submarine ?

So, they start hitting it off after the whole thing and John basically is informed of several crisis’s in the future, including….. September 11th as well as the fact the Beatles do break up in the near future…to which i will say, I wrote John as being somewhat remorseful over it. As if, for all the bluster he showed on the surface, inside he hated to know that it actually DID come to pass because he genuinely did love all three of those other men. THAT, i feel, is very Lennon. I can remember I wrote a line to the effect of “I tried to warn the others–I SAID–I said, “Paul, Brian’s dead. We ought not to do this anymore.” but did they listen? No.” Of course, that’s not the way it likely really went, but anyhoo. Hold on, it gets even weirder.

So in light of these revelations about a distant planet in trouble and cosmic happenings, John and Yoko decide to fly back to Abbey Road /Apple and meet up with the rest of the band. John quips “Be it ever so stressful, there’s no place like home.” – and John instructs our two heroes to wait outside. John goes in and finds Paul and George arguing over album space:

“If you don’t like it, there’s the door “Krishna”!” Taunts paul!

John tries to interject: “Uh…lads? O.o”

“Yeah, and i’m fixing ta’ use it! AGAIN!” George fires back!

John now senses what’s happening: “Lads?? “

“FINE!”

“FINE!!”

“LADS?!! O__O”

They turn around in anger and sgout at the same time: “WHAT IN THE HELL—OOOOOO? o.o”

“….m’back!”

–from there the mood calms.

“We thought you were in mountie-country!”

“yeah, their bacon was too expensive, so I came back!” <—Still proud of that one.

A lot of help-esque moments next. John suggests that if they want their songs so bad they duel each other in s game of rock paper scissors. They do and John acts as referee. Most ashamedly, I wrote it like a spaghetti western scene. ( )

“I SHALL defeat you, George!”

“As will I you, Paul, my worthy opponent!”

“Just answer me this, you VILE fiend! After this…WOULD YOU LIKE TO GRAB A SODA?! >=/”

“Agreed…but for now, you must DIE! >=/”

“NEVEEEEEEEEER! “

“Rock…

Paper…

SCISSORS….”

“Oh, and I’m playing too! SHOOT!”

John picks paper whilst the other two pick rock…

“Looks like “Come Together ” gets it!”

“Aww! “

“No fair! “

Oh, tee hee, such wacky Beatles…REAAAAAAALLY TRUE TO WHAT IT WAS LIKE, YOUNG ME!

So, skipping ahead. The hedgehogs get sussed after John has a few humorous scenes trying to keep them hidden since they’re nearly seen peeking in the doorway. (Ringo comes into the scene having already met them offsceen with “Hey guys, look what i found! TALKING HEDGEHOGS! ” “RINGO, NOOOOO! ” ) and after THEY are informed, the band has a bit of a heart to heart and a lot of emotions are let out that in the correct timeline were never vented in such a way. Because of this, Paul has an epiphany that he’s been a jerk the entire time, Which John didn’t expect. Macca quits the band unannounced saying they’d be better off without him before rushing out of the studio in shame at himself, which honestly shakes John to the core. He’s all of a sudden having second thoughts and His defenses are down. He’s crushed and left crying for him to come back….

Next day at Apple, John is rather bored still and upset over Paul when suddenly, they’re all informed that Paul never came home that night, and that there had been a wreck…

“We told you that was a HOAX!” John moans.

But no, it was real this time. Paul was badly hurt and he may not pull through…shocked, they all rush incognito to see him. The story hadn’t broken yet because…reasons.

Durring this, John ends up being left alone in the room with an unconscious Paul, and it goes in my opinion about as realistically as you think John, if he had been faced with Paul being badly wounded, would take it. He remembers the good times, with John recalling how he brought in a guy to the studio that called himself Jesus, or singing Two Of Us with scottish accents….he regrets a lot of the things he said over the years, and comes to the realization that the band itself should have never started Apple in the first place. The minute it became about business over music and a “Job”, they lost their way. They work best as a team. They always did. “I’m Nothing without you, really.” Says John. “You had Yesterday , but what have I got? And Your Bird Can Sing is garbage, Dig A Pony is nonsense…” He then goes into a tirade about how everyone he cares for dies, and this is why he can never trust anyone, etc. etc. before admitting that he was always jealous of him, to an extent. Concluding with “You’re the prince of pop! The Doctor Of “DoOoOoOoo!” (A reference to Stevie Riks, who does a GREAT Paul impression) “….I’m just the Loser Of Lennon…:(“

Paul, all this time, had silently woken off screen….

“That’s your problem, john ” he says weakly with a smile. “You think too little of your work….”

Cue the sappy Disney “HE’S OKAY!!! ” moment!

John confides in Paul that according to his friends, the band indeed are supposed to break up. In lieu of recent events, that can’t happen. It mustn’t. not if it means they have to be viscous enemies…but what to do? They need a fresh start. A vacation.

“India again?” laughs paul. “The Maha’ll kill us! “

“No. To a place that needs our help…”

I got as far as their arrival back in the Hedgehog’s present time and planet before my motherboard died in my computer and the story was lost forever. I recall i did write a sweet little scene in which Paul mused with Amy that for as much as people idolized the band, they should be idolizing the ones that inspired THEM, and he felt guilty that their own success and accolades were in a way pushing those people further back in time and out of sight, before softly playing her the Everly Brothers’ “Dream” on guitar…

Phew. So you see, I HAD to share this because…..cheesy moments aside, inaccuracy and bonkers plot aside….there was a certain charm to it, i feel. Even looking back on it I sometimes wonder if there could ever be a way to re-write it or finish it.

Is it as embarrassing as I thought to you guys? *Or worse?*