The Official "Choosing Between Two Things" Thread | Page 20 | Fab Forum | The Beatles Bible

30-foot-long icicles (there must have been some sometime, somewhere). Not a big chocolate fan.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Thundercats?

Glasses. Worn them since about sixteen. Never tried contacts, or considered eye surgery.

Glad you went with Ninja Turtles. Disappointed with your earlier Denis Leary. One of the times I saw Hicks was in Oxford, someone in the audience called out, “You’re ripping off Denis Leary…” Bill walked to the edge of the stage, stared at this person who was a few rows in front of me, and said, “I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did.” All too true.

The Monkees or The Banana Splits?

Going way off topic here, but since LongHairedLady (love your name by the way), didn’t choose, just qualified her choice of Leary, and my realisation that Bill was more loved here in the UK than he was in his homeland, here are some quotes from the greatest stand-up America has produced in the past forty years (since Richard Pryor), sadly died on 26 February 1994, age 32, from pancreatic cancer, a death commemorated by the UK House of Commons. He was sadly largely unknown in his homeland, though had lots of appearances on Letterman. A great deal of his material is on YouTube, and I would recommend anyone to look at it if interested in comedy at its best and most challenging. Here are some Bill quotes I pulled from just one, non-Bill, website:

“You see, I think drugs have done some good things for us. I really do. And if you don’t believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor. Go home tonight. Take all your albums, all your tapes and all your CDs and burn them. ‘Cause you know what, the musicians that made all that great music that’s enhanced your lives throughout the years were rrreal f*****g high on drugs. The Beatles were so f*****g high they let Ringo sing a few tunes.”

“They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you’re high, you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize that it’s not worth the f*****g effort. There is a difference.”

“Here is my final point…About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography…What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, or take into my body as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet? And for those who are having a little moral dilemma in your head about how to answer that question, I’ll answer it for you. NONE of your f*****g business. Take that to the bank, cash it, and go f*****g on a vacation out of my life.”

“We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.”

“I’m glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, “My God ! I love everything.” Yeah, now if that isn’t a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we’re all one?”

“I’m tired of this back-slappin’ “isn’t humanity neat” bullshit. We’re a virus with shoes.”

“I was in Nashville, Tennessee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I’m not proud of it, I was hungry. And I’m alone, I’m eating and I’m reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: ‘Hey, whatcha readin’ for?’ Isn’t that the weirdest fuckin’ question you’ve ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading FOR? Well, goddamnit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well . . . hmmm… I dunno… I guess I read for a lot of reasons and the main one is so I don’t end up being a fuckin’ waffle waitress.”

“The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That’s pretty f*****g cruel isn’t it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?”

“Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.”

“Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions god’s infinite love.”

“It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.”

“Folks, it’s time to evolve. That’s why we’re troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything’s failing? It’s because, um – they’re no longer relevant. We’re supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?”

“I loved when Bush came out and said, ‘We are losing the war against drugs.’ You know what that implies? There’s a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.”

“If you want to understand a society, take a good look at the drugs it uses. And what can this tell you about American culture? Well, look at the drugs we use. Except for pharmaceutical poison, there are essentially only two drugs that Western civilization tolerates: Caffeine from Monday to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in.”

“Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here’s American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their f*****g skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!”

“The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions”

“I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative. I don’t like anything in the mainstream and they don’t like me.”

“This is where we are at right now, as a whole. No one is left out of the loop. We are experiencing a reality based on a thin veneer of lies and illusions. A world where greed is our God and wisdom is sin, where division is key and unity is fantasy, where the ego-driven cleverness of the mind is praised, rather than the intelligence of the heart.”

“I ascribe to Mark Twain’s theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.”

“People often ask me where I stand politically. It’s not that I disagree with Bush’s economic policy or his foreign policy, it’s that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.”

“I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out.”

“Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously.”

“Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit… unnatural?”

“I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say Yeah? When?”

“The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it’s real because that’s how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it’s very brightly colored, and it’s very loud, and it’s fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, “Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?” And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, “Hey, don’t worry; don’t be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.” And we … kill those people. “Shut him up! I’ve got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real.” It’s just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn’t matter, because it’s just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here’s what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.”

“I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul”

“I can’t watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.”

“I’m sorry if any of you are Catholic. I’m not sorry if you’re offended, I’m actually just sorry by the fact that you’re Catholic”

“I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.”

“This is the material, by the way, that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for the past 15 years. Gee, I wonder why we’re hated the world over? Look at these fat Americans in the front row — ‘Why doesn’t he just hit fruit with a hammer?’ Folks, I could have done that, walked around being a millionaire and franchising myself but no, I had to have this weird thing about trying to illuminate the collective unconscious and help humanity. F*****g moron.”

“I believe everyone has this fuckin’ poem in his heart.”

“…I just want to be free of the fears and anxieties and the superstitions of religion. An ‘avenging GOD’? One who created Hell for those who don’t believe? I thought we were the perfect and holy children of GOD? How could any limits possibly be put upon us? Hell.. really? I’m sorry, but… no. Wrong. You’re wrong. That’s an insane GOD and therefore not mine. Because , see, GOD would be very sane, don’t you get it?”

“…not all drugs are good… some of them are great”

“When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.”

“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fuckin’ mouth.”

“We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution.”

“Wouldn’t you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition? Perhaps? Wouldn’t that be interesting? Just for once?

   “Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration — that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There’s no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we’re the imagination of ourselves. Here’s Tom with the weather.”

“Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves.”

“Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don’t want any gay people hanging around me while I’m killing kids. I just don’t want to see it.”

“I know this is not a very popular idea. You don’t hear it too often any more … but it’s the truth. I have taken drugs before and … I had a real good time. Sorry. Didn’t murder anybody, didn’t rape anybody, didn’t rob anybody, didn’t beat anybody, didn’t lose – hmm – one f*****g job, laughed my ass off, and went about my day. Sorry. Now, where’s my commercial?”

“Fundamentalist Christianity: fascinating. These people actually believe that the world is twelve thousand years old. Swear to God . Based on what? I asked them.

   “Well, we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added ’em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages? Twelve thousand years.”

   “Well, how f*****g scientific, OK. I didn’t know that you’d gone to so much trouble there. That’s good. You believe the world’s twelve thousand years old?”

   “That’s right.”

   “OK, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?”

   “Uh huh.”

   “Dinosaurs.”

   You know, the world’s twelve thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, and existed in that time, you’d think it would been mentioned in the f*****g Bible at some point: And O, Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus… with a splinter in its paw. And the disciples did run a-screamin’. “What a big f*****g lizard, Lord!”

   “I’m sure gonna mention this in my book,” Luke said.

   “Well, I’m sure gonna mention it in my book,” Matthew said.

   But Jesus was unafraid. And he took the splinter from the brontosaurus paw, and the brontosaurus became his friend. And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch, O so many years, attracting fat American families with their fat fuckin’ dollars to look for the Loch Ness Monster. And O the Scots did praise the Lord: “Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!”

   Twelve thousand years old. But I actually asked this guy, “OK, dinosaur fossils — how does that fit into your scheme of life? What’s the deal?” He goes:

   “God put those here to test our faith.”

   “I think God put you here to test my faith, dude. I think I’ve figured this out.”

   Does that — That’s what this guy said. Does that bother anyone here? The idea that God might be f*****g with our heads? Anyone have trouble sleeping restfully with that thought in their head? God ‘s running around burying fossils: “Ho ho! We’ll see who believes in me now, ha ha! I’m a prankster God . I am killing me, ho ho ho!” You know? You die, you go to St. Peter:

   “Did you believe in dinosaurs?”

   “Well, yeah. There were fossils everywhere. (trapdoor opens) Aaaaarhhh!”

   “You fuckin’ idiot! Flying lizards? You’re a moron. God was fuckin’ with you!”

   “It seemed so plausible, aaaaaahh!”

   “Enjoy the lake of fire, f****r!”

   They believe this. But you ever notice how people who believe in Creationism usually look pretty unevolved. Eyes really close together, big furry hands and feet? “I believe God created me in one day.” Yeah, looks like he rushed it.

   Such a weird belief. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he’s gonna want to see a f*****g cross, man? “Ow.” Might be why he hasn’t shown up yet.

   “Man, they’re still wearing crosses. F**k it, I’m not goin’ back, Dad. No, they totally missed the point. When they start wearing fishes, I might show up again, but… let me bury fossils with you, Dad. F**k ’em, let’s f**k with ’em! Hand me that brontosaurus head, Dad.”

“It’s great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I’ve been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this s**t one more time.”

“Did you know that when a guy comes, he comes 200 million sperm? And you’re trying to tell me that your child is special because one out of 200 million — that load! we’re talking one load! — connected. Gee, what are the f*****g odds? 200 million; you know what that means? I have wiped civilizations off my chest with a gray gym sock. That is special. Entire nations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel! That is special. And I want you to remember that, you two egg-carrying beings out there, with that holier-than-thou “we have the gift of life” attitude. I’ve tossed universes… in my underpants… while napping! Boom! A milky way shoots into my jockey shorts, “Aaaah, what’s for f*****g breakfast?”

“They’re puttin’ music to AIDS germs — putting a drum machine behind them and a metronome beat and Ted Turner’s colorizing them, goddamn it. These aren’t even really people, man. It’s a CIA plot to make you think malls are good. Don’t you see?”

“So I’m over there in England, you know, trying to get news about the [L.A.] riots… and all these Brit people are trying to sympathize with me… ‘Oh Bill, crime is horrible. Bill, if it’s any consolation crime is horrible here, too.’ …Shutup. This is Hobbit-town and I am Bilbo Hicks, Okay? This is a land of fairies and elves. You do not have crime like we have crime, but I appreciate you trying to be, you know, Diplomatic. You gotta see English crime. It’s hilarious, you don’t know if you’re reading the front page or the comic section over there. I swear to God . I read an article – front page of the paper – one day, in England: ‘Yesterday , some Hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shafsbry.’ Wooooo… ‘The hooligans are loose! The hooligans are loose! What if they become roughians? I would hate to be a dustbin in Shafsbry tonight.”

“Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.”

Back on topic, The Monkees or The Banana Splits.