Songwriters Discussion Room--to share thoughts, projects, etc. | Page 5 | Fab Forum | The Beatles Bible

^^ I DID IT
I’m so proud o’ meself

I’ll do a good recording for y’all if you like, I only did a slightly crap demo so I wouldn’t forget it.

I mentioned about a week ago that I was writing a song about a BBer – that BBer was @50yearslate and her synesthesia. So I wrote a song called Synesthesia. 

Normally I’d post my new song in a PM to those who expressed interest but I figured because it’s about a BBer I’d post it on the forum.

Tell Me What You See Think! Any feedback – positive/negative – welcome! 

Wow, thanks Peppdog! There was a definite RS/R influence, yeah… I can definitely try to do another song like it, sure. (even for our project, sure!)

Wow I can really see the similarity between Dominoes and my song! Even the reverse guitar… 

I can see the similarity between our voices too – the next song I do will have to be a really loud, screamy, Lennon-esque vocal then – just to be contrary.

Neely said

A/N: There’s no story to this I’ve realized. It simply comes across as my commentary of other people and the world. I don’t feel it goes anywhere on it’s own. With the music, the words sound much better. I like Verse I and Chorus I, the rest is garbage. 

Verse I:
Everybody’s been thinkin’
Everybody’s been thinkin’ of the past
Everybody’s still needin’
Everybody’s still needin’ love that lasts

Chorus I:
All this time I’ve been waitin’
to see through another’s eyes
All along I’ve been wastin’
my precious time

Chorus I:
All this time I’ve been waitin’
All along I’ve been wastin’
my precious time

Verse II:
Everybody’s still bein’
Everybody’s still bein’ a fool
Everybody’s still singin’
Everybody’s still singin’ that tune

Chorus II: 
All this time I’ve been lookin’
in all the wrong places
All this time I’ve been sayin’
that we could all come together  

Perhaps it’s because I’m a songwriter, but reading your lyrics, I could get a sense of how they’re supposed to feel with music. So I can imagine it enough for it to work, if that makes sense.

If you don’t mind my lending some constructive critique/advice/observations/suggestions (since you didn’t seem to satisfied with it as is): I think you’ve got a good start, especially if you treat your current verse/chorus structure as a verse part 1 and part 2, and then if you can add a bridge section that breaks out of the structure you’ve got before returning to the first verse or something, that would make a very respectable song. As far as the specific lyrical matter, I like Verse II, although it doesn’t rhyme as well as Verse I – but this may not be a problem when it’s played with music, it’s more obvious when written. Chorus II is more mixed, with the first half being quite good and the second half I don’t like as much – although I appreciate the Beatles reference, I don’t really like that line and don’t think it feels like a good follow-up to the first part.

I hope my suggestions aren’t out of line or anything! 🙂 I really like it and think it has potential, and I can never resist the chance to do some critiquing that may “take a good song and make it better”

I hate to rain on your parade here, as a fellow songwriter, but I just remembered that, per the gospel according to Joe, this sub-forum is designated for Beatles-related shilling only. I do encourage you to continue sharing your songwriting efforts in the appropriate thread, though – I’d love to read more! —> https://www.beatlesbible.com/f…..jects-etc/

Mod note: the preceding three posts and the reply immediately below were originally made in their own thread in the Pimp Your Stuff sub-forum before I posted this redirection and moved all posts to this thread.