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5.11pm
14 February 2016
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sir walter raleigh said
Perhaps writing some poems that take more risks with rhyme structure and vocabulary will help you take it to the next level. They may be really bad at first. That’s ok.
Is this what you mean by different rhyme structure @sir walter raleigh?
Dribbling,
Quibbling,
Rain falling down, dampening the ground,
Striking the earth, creating quiet sound,
Stumbling,
Tumbling,
Racing back home, trying to find cover,
Reaching the door, as if a new-found lover,
Humming,
Strumming,
Wasting the time, as the rain, yet to abate,
Playing an imaginary tune, yet to create.
(Note: this is my first attempt at a different line architecture)
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6.18pm
Reviewers
17 December 2012
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An interesting piece, @Evangeline.
I see a change or two I would make, but overall a very nice piece of work.
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The Beatles Bible 2020 non-Canon Poll Part One: 1958-1963 and Part Two: 1964-August 1966
6.33pm
14 February 2016
Offline What would you change? Why is it interesting?
I’m trying to improve myself as much as I can, so I need all the criticism I can get.
I am you as you are you as you are you and you are all together.
7.01pm
Reviewers
17 December 2012
Offline I don’t know how far back you’ve read this fred, but it does contain a pome or two of mine that might guide you to how much attention to my ramblings, @Evangeline.
You create an interesting rhyme structure and rhythm, but in my opinion you lose the rhythm in the second to last line by inserting the extra comma. With the loss of one word, along with the second comma, it matches it’s mirroring lines…
“Wasting time, the rain yet to abate…”
However, my main niggle would be ending on “create”. It leaves me wondering where the rest is, create what? I’m sure there’s a rhyme that offers the full stop I feel it needs, rather than the question-mark you have gone with.
I can only look at it as I would approach it though, and I am often wrong.
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The Beatles Bible 2020 non-Canon Poll Part One: 1958-1963 and Part Two: 1964-August 1966
7.13pm
14 February 2016
Offline So if I ended the two lines with “-ed” and then added “that’s” to both lines…
For example:
‘Wasting time watching rain that’s yet to be abated,’
‘Playing an imaginary tune that’s yet to be created.’
…Would that partially fix the problem? Or should I add another verse to complete the thought.
I am you as you are you as you are you and you are all together.
8.35pm
Reviewers
17 December 2012
Offline I would go more opaque myself?
A question-mark is fine to end on if it is the right one. To give an ambiguous ending, I would look for something like,
“Wasting time, the rain yet to abate
Hear that/An unfinished tune? Is it too late?”
or maybe
“Is that our fate?”
The end needs to be a bang, in my opinion, if that’s worth anything and of any use.
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The Beatles Bible 2020 non-Canon Poll Part One: 1958-1963 and Part Two: 1964-August 1966
9.05pm
26 January 2017
Offline That was a cool read @Evangeline. A cool change of pace from your last poem, and it was successful. I’d like to see more as you write.
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9.06pm
14 February 2016
Offline Thanks for your advice @Ron Nasty. 
Thank you for the praise, @sir walter raleigh. 
I am you as you are you as you are you and you are all together.
2.42pm
Moderators
15 February 2015
Offline 
I haven’t written any poetry in forever, but I just wrote some things in honour of National Poetry Month:
1
Immerse (take a guess as to what this one’s about)
Shrink, world
Down to a fluid grid
Lose the outside, find the inside
Forget the noise in a whirlwind of sound
Rise, love
Out through the fluid grid
Lose yourself, find myself
Feel the ecstasy award the pain
2
Work in progress (that’s actually the title)
Out of the thinness of inner space
Studded through with nebulae,
Half-buried
Gently creeping
Cast about for them
Reach down into the depths and find them
Not whole, not pebbles or pearls
Elusive wisps
Grasp them
Feel them
Slip through your fingers even as you mould them
Coax them into the light of day
@
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4.59pm
18 December 2017
Offline Beatlebug said
I haven’t written any poetry in forever, but I just wrote some things in honour of National Poetry Month:1
Immerse (my fellow musicians: take a guess as to what this one’s about)
Shrink, world
Down to a fluid grid
Lose the outside, find the inside
Forget the noise in a whirlwind of soundRise, love
Out through the fluid grid
Lose yourself, find myself
Feel the ecstasy award the pain2
Work in progress (that’s actually the title)
Out of the thinness of inner space
Studded through with nebulae,
Half-buried
Gently creeping
Cast about for themReach down into the depths and find them
Not whole, not pebbles or pearls
Elusive wisps
Grasp them
Feel them
Slip through your fingers even as you mould them
Coax them into the light of day
@
That’s amazing, @Beatlebug ! I love it! I totally feel the guitar in my hands, you describe it perfectly. I just started writing little poem-y things, I might post one. 
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|
| I don’t know how to put it here. hello for the love of god hello
~~~
The Concert for Bageldesh
~~~
Walrian here! Not Fiddy, or anyone else, actually.
5.22pm
Moderators
15 February 2015
Offline @TheWalrusWasBrian said
That’s amazing, @Beatlebug ! I love it! I totally feel the guitar in my hands, you describe it perfectly. I just started writing little poem-y things, I might post one.
Thanks Walrian! Please do, I would love to read. 
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5.26pm
18 December 2017
Offline *Evil laughter* My nickname has come into effect.
Okie, I definitely will! Here ya go, friends: (warning: it’s a bit depressing!)
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Beatlebug, SgtPeppersBulldog, WeepingAtlasCedars| | I don’t know how to put it here. hello for the love of god hello
~~~
The Concert for Bageldesh
~~~
Walrian here! Not Fiddy, or anyone else, actually.
5.56pm
Moderators
15 February 2015
Offline I like it @TheWalrusWasBrian, very miserable and I love the abruptness of the ending. 
(Though of course I have to wonder about the inspiration. But I won’t ask. 
)
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5.58pm
18 December 2017
Offline Beatlebug said
I like it @TheWalrusWasBrian, very miserable and I love the abruptness of the ending.(Though of course I have to wonder about the inspiration. But I won’t ask.
Awww, thanks! You guys are so supportive in my writings. I’m glad the miserable tone got through. 
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~~~
The Concert for Bageldesh
~~~
Walrian here! Not Fiddy, or anyone else, actually.
6.31pm
Moderators
15 February 2015
Offline I’m on a role today! Here’s an ode to Spring.
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7.05pm
18 December 2017
Offline You do imagery really well! Now I feel very spring-y!
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Beatlebug| | I don’t know how to put it here. hello for the love of god hello
~~~
The Concert for Bageldesh
~~~
Walrian here! Not Fiddy, or anyone else, actually.
7.16pm
18 December 2017
Offline And I counter your attack with an Ode to Fall
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Beatlebug, Pineapple Records, WeepingAtlasCedars| | I don’t know how to put it here. hello for the love of god hello
~~~
The Concert for Bageldesh
~~~
Walrian here! Not Fiddy, or anyone else, actually.
9.41pm
Moderators
15 February 2015
Offline Mmmmm, very sweet @TheWalrusWasBrian, and quite similar to my own appreciation of the season. I ADORE autumn — just not when it’s springtime. When October rolls around, however…
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9.03pm
15 May 2015
Offline Speaking of seasonal poetry, I’ve read that the Japanese poem form the Haiku has as one of its rules that some mention be made of a season — which is hard to do when you only have a limited number of syllables to do it!
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9.58pm
11 April 2016
Offline Pineapple Records said
Speaking of seasonal poetry, I’ve read that the Japanese poem form the Haiku has as one of its rules that some mention be made of a season — which is hard to do when you only have a limited number of syllables to do it!
Challenge accepted.
Our Silent Repetition
Winter lapsed; left lorn
Though no man is an island
The last candle dies.
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