I read the news today (oh boy) - Current world events | Page 96 | Fab Forum | The Beatles Bible

“I was sick, weak and exhausted for weeks. Even the thought of food made me physically vomit. I had made plans to make an appointment for my doctor to get my bloods done but before I got the chance to do so my mother greeted me at the door after college one day with a pregnancy test to ‘rule it out’. I agreed through laughter thinking she was mad. I took it, it came back positive. I broke down and she assured me what ever I decided to do she would support me, knowing that I never wanted children to begin with, but hoping that finding out I was pregnant would spark some sort of maternal instinct within me. It did, but I pushed it far to the back of my mind.

I drove over to my boyfriends house frantic and in tears and told him the news. That was Monday night and I was in a clinic in Co. Dublin by Tuesday to make arrangements to travel to England.

I passed two women outside the clinic from the church across the road. They tried to speak to me, I wouldn’t look at them. I kept my head down and ignored them whilst frantically ringing the buzzer to get in as quick as I could. I told the lady at reception my name and sat in the waiting room, petrified. I was called in for my scan, the nurse asked me if I wanted to see my baby and I replied ‘no, please, thank you’ I couldn’t even speak properly through the floods of tears. I was 7 weeks. The scan was horrific, I felt like what I was doing was evil. I ignored it and I was in England by Friday.

I got up at 4AM and went to the airport. By the time I got to the clinic in London I was completely exhausted and just wanted to get it over and done with. 2 hours later I was brought into a room and was asked for my scans that were carried out in the clinic in Dublin. I didn’t bring them because I was absolutely terrified that I would be searched and I wouldn’t be allowed to travel. Silly of me looking back, but I couldn’t think straight. Aside from that, I didn’t want them to take my scans away from me. They were mine. So the nurse had to carry out another scan. I couldn’t believe how comforting and understanding they were because I was ‘from Ireland’. I was waiting in the clinic for 6 hours, and I felt nothing. I wasn’t afraid, sad, happy or angry. I was completely numb.

6 hours later I woke up with a feeling of happiness and relief. I left the clinic in high spirits and proceeded to travel to the boat I was getting home. Half an hour into the journey, the pain relief wore off and what should have been a 2 hour journey turned into a 6 hour journey because of the extreme pain I was in. I can’t count the amount of times we stopped on the motorway so I could vomit from the pain. Not to mention the diarrhoea.

I eventually got home the next day and rested for the day whilst trying to complete a 2000 word essay for college. I was still extremely tender.

I woke up the next morning in a pool of my own sweat with extreme stomach pain, and I had to go to work. My manager isn’t very understanding at the best of times so I took painkillers and it died down. I went to work, I was in there for an hour when the bleeding started. I sat on the toilet, a blood clot the size of a fully grown mans fist fell out of me and into the toilet. I panicked and sat there on the toilet of my freezing cold work restroom feeling alone and absolutely hysterical, not knowing what to do, I didn’t know if a clot this size was normal. I ignored it, and eventually pulled myself up off the toilet and washed my face and got back to work after about 20 minutes. I have no idea how I got through that day in work but I did.

I have no education on the aftercare of an abortion, and I won’t go to my doctor because I’m ashamed. I was stuck in a car for 6 hours after my abortion in extreme pain because I stupidly thought that, that was the best option. I thought I would make a two hour journey to my means of transport to get home in discomfort.

I’m struggling to come to terms with my decision now. I don’t feel like I made the right choice and it’s ruining my life. I can’t talk to anyone about it.

I can’t help but wonder if Ireland was equipped with the right resources for abortion, would I have rushed into my decision? If I didn’t feel like what I was doing was wrong, would I have done it so quickly to ‘get it over done with’?

I’ll never know now.

This is the worst experience I’ve ever had in my life, and my country had made that experience simply horrific.

The shame and guilt that has been instilled in me since birth on this topic has made this to be the most loneliest feeling I will ever feel in my lifetime.

I just wanted my mam and my best friend by my side.”

“My nightmare started in august of 2016.I discovered I was pregnant and I was in complete shock.

My partner of 8 years and I had separated and we had a 2 year old little boy already and this baby certainly was not in the plan but as time went on I began to get excited about our new baby.
I had lots of complications at the beginning of my pregnancy which meant medications,surgery and lots of hospital stays. I was told I would miscarry my little one but I didn’t which made me think that this little guy is really meant to be here.I always felt something may be wrong with him and asked for an anomaly scan early on but was refused it.

Eventually, and only because of my age, i was 41,i was given the anomaly scan at 24 weeks. I was told that day that the lady doing the scan could not see one of the his kidneys due to the way he was lying,she said I had nothing to worry about and to come back in 4 days time to be re-scanned.

I drove back home which was a 2 hour journey with a sick feeling in my tummy, i always felt there was something wrong and my gut feeling was being confirmed.I returned to the hospital 4 days later and my worst fears became a reality. Alone and very scared I was told that my precious little boy had 5 heart abnormalities and that he was very very ill. At no time did the consultant say that he would survive after birth. 
I was brought into a room where I was handed information on an organisation who help women who receive this sort of news. An appointment was made for me in Crumlin 2 days later where another fetal medicine specialist confirmed my angels conditions. 
She said that he ‘probably would survive’ but would need numerous surgeries from birth and he would have a short life span.

I thought my heart was going to break on the drive home.I couldn’t take any of it in,it was like it wasn’t happening to me.

I was referred for an amniocentesis 3 days later to determine if my little boy had down syndrome and was asked by the consultant if it really made any difference to the decision I was making. 
Again when I asked her if he would die she said ‘he will probably survive’. Being told this made my decision so much more difficult and nobody would help me or be completely honest with me about how bad his heart conditions were.

I eventually got the truth when I sent all my scan reports to England were I was told that my little boy had fatal heart abnormalities and would not survive after birth. I was 25 weeks pregnant at this stage and I was in hell. I didn’t know what to do,i couldn’t even get a doctor in this country to discuss any options with me let alone help me.

On Christmas day I decided that I could not have my little boy suffer for even the couple of days he would live for so I made a the necessary calls to Liverpool Womens Hospital to have a compassionate induction.

Because it was Christmas I could not get an appointment for a further 2 weeks.My little guy was getting bigger everyday and I was growing to love him more with every little kick.

My partner could not come with me,he had to stay behind to mind or other little boy so I travelled to England with my amazing Dad. We stayed in a hotel that night and I never slept for a second. I spent that night talking to my angel telling him how much I loved him and feeling him kick,all the while knowing that he would be gone in a few hours.

The following morning I checked into the hospital.It was so horrendous being in a strange place and not knowing anybody, i was so terrified.

My little man was born sleeping the following morning. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.He was 2lbs 4oz and he was just perfect.I spent 2 days in the hospital just holding him and kissing him and then I had to leave him.I will never forget that feeling of walking out of the hospital room without him.

An amazing organisation within the hospital who look after babies like my little one so kindly arranged to have him flown home to me and I collect him in his little white coffin 6 days later from Dublin airport.I kept him at home for 4 days and then drove him to Dublin to be cremated.

The kindness I was shown by staff at Dublin airport and at Mount Jerome Cemetery was just incredible but I was some badly let down by the medical profession.

Had I been givin the anomaly scan at 11 weeks as planned,my little ones heart issues would have been apparent then and while it would still have been a devastating decision to make in some ways it may have been a little easier.
I should never have had to go through all of this in a different country,away from everyone I love.And the worst part is that I felt I had to keep it a secret because I was scared of what people would think.

My beautiful boy shouldn’t be a secret.

I had to do this for my little boy without any support from my own country.How can anybody think that that is okay??How is it acceptable that my beautiful angel had to be flown home to me as part of cargo on an Aer Lingus flight??

This needs to stop